Edith Crawley's Diary
by MistressSara
Summary: Modern AU, Edith Crawley works in a London publishing house, her life consists of friends, work, and dodging her meddlesome parents. After an unfortunate set up with Anthony Strallan at the Downton Christmas Buffet, she decides to keep a diary, chronicling the new year.
1. Dec 25th

Edith Crawley's Diary

I own nothing, naturally. Keep in mind, this is an AU, so a bit of OOC at some turns. Enjoy, review if you feel so inclined.

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_December 25th, 2012_

_My 27th year of life, 28th will hit in 8 months. And like every year before I find myself forced into going to the Christmas buffet luncheon at my family home. My mother loves throwing these massive dos. Personally I'd be happy to stay in my apartment. Alone with a bottle of wine or out with my friends enjoying the nightlife of London. Anything instead of catching a cab to the train station, a train to the country, and standing at the platform waiting for someone from Downton to pick me up._

_Downton. My childhood home. A massive, archaic structure that only exist in BBC or ITV dramas. I'm fairly confident that Miss Marple would pop up at any moment to solve a murder there. Laughable to think that I grew up in such a place. Especially considering the apartment I live in now. A quaint little place above a takeout shop. My bedroom is above the kitchen, so it's steaming hot year round. But on the plus side I never have to walk far for dinner. _

_My mother's parties. You'd think it were 1920 given the spread she decides to lay out. The reception home is always rather lackluster for me. Especially if I have arrived before my perfect sisters. There's a glimmering moment of delight in my parents eyes, quickly extinguished when they realize it's their dowdy middle child. _

_"Oh, Edith. Hello, dear." Is the most I can look forward to. But the sting has managed to go out of it after all these years. Every year there's an attempt to match up the Crawley daughters with suitable young men of the "proper status." The most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Proper status. You'd think I was living in a Jane Austen novel. If I were you could best describe the suitors thrown my way as strictly Mr. Collins-like. The Darcy pool to the eldest, Mary. My sister who can do no wrong in my parents' eyes. Not even after that horrid scandal last year. _

_The son of a diplomat found dead in her bed. The medics said heart attack. My money had been wagered on frost bite. Of course my parents refuse to acknowledge that situation. If they did they would have to shift me out of first place for 'most disappointing child.' _

_My younger sister meanwhile, receives the Bingley suitors. Nice, timid young men who don't know how to handle themselves when faced with Sybil's glowing beauty. I am actually quite fond of Sybil. There's a minor tinge of resentment from time to time, but I can never stay cross with her for long. Mary on the other hand..._

"You're late." Mother warns as I finally make my way through the front door.

"Make your complaints with the train system, mother."

"Can't solely fall on the train system."

_That's right, if the trains are late it still manages to be my fault. If one the day the earth should cease to turn it would some how manage to be my fault. _

"Mary managed to arrive promptly." Father chimes in behind me.

_Perhaps her broom travels faster than the trains._

"Hello to you too, father."

_I honestly don't know why I even bother any longer. At 27 one would think that a young, modern woman would be capable of standing up to her parents, sisters and grandmother and saying "I demand to be treated with just a hint of respect." But no, I'll keep my mouth shut, silently shouldering my resentment and unhappiness. Thus is the duty of the spinster daughter and one day aunt. Soon I will start acquiring neighborhood cats, perhaps take up knitting, die alone. Yes, I play my role well, even though I despise it. _

_Granny of course is on time. Sitting in her high backed chair, golden handled cane in reach. _

"Edith, dear. I was beginning to worry that a band of gypsies stole you from the road."

"If only, granny." _I smile sweetly. _

"Fetch me a refill, would you please? Your mother's mother has arrived from America. I'll require a strong constitution to put up with that woman."

_Ah, Grandmother Martha. Another pariah of the family, surprisingly the only one who truly seems to like me. Aside from Aunt Rosie of course. I got my looks from my father's sister. While my sisters had dark features and the hair to match I was left a ginger. How do you think that works for me? I have a very good idea what it feels like to be the red-headed stepchild. If only I were a stepchild…_

"Gramma Martha isn't all bad."

"I can't stand the woman. The pair of you are so alike…"

"Thank you, granny. I don't know what to take from that. You hate the woman and she reminds you of me."

"Oh, don't be so literal, Edith. Go and fetch my drink."

_That's right. Run along Edith, fetch my drink. _

"Edith, are you going to change?" Mother asked, stopping me on my way back to granny.

"I wasn't planning on it." I shrugged, looking down at my dress. It wasn't the fanciest frock, but I looked presentable and age appropriate. For as much as my mother wanted her daughters to marry she did insist on dressing us as though it were 1982.

"I laid something out on your bed, just slip up and put it on."

"Why? I look fine."

"Yes, you look _fine_, so go put on something so that you look better."

_The skirt went to my ankles, covering the whole of my legs. The sweater was far too big for me and made me look dowdy. If they wanted to sell me off to a proper suitor one would think that she would let me keep on my shorter skirt and fitted blouse. Regardless, it was easier to change and let her drop the subject. _

"Edith, darling! There you are!" _Gramma Martha, the only person happy to see me. The only one to offer me a hug, lovely American. _"Your mother has brought another potential mate for you."

"Of course she has. Who's the lucky contestant this year?" _I asked, looking around the room that had filled while I was upstairs. _

"Anthony Strallan, wealthy barrister, divorced, old friend of your father's. Although a bit older than I'd like to see you set off with."

"Mother has to scrape the bottom of the barrel for me. Although I do tend to prefer an older man." _I ceded with a shrug. Gramma Martha pointed out a tall, blonde man who had his back turned to us. _

"Well… if the back is anything compared to the front, perhaps I'll owe mother an apology this time."

"Oh, Eeds, please. Don't be vulgar." _Mary chimed in, appearing behind us with a drink in hand._

"My apologies, Mary, we can't all jump in and out of bed with someone who may or may not be a distant cousin."

"Matthew and I are off right now. And he is not our cousin in any sense."

"Certainly a load off my mind. I should go say hello to the wealthy barrister." _I could feel Mary's eyes burn into the back of me as I walked away. _

_ Of course my mother swooped in as soon as she noticed me moving towards Anthony, keen to make the introductions herself so that she would have a story to tell at the wedding one day. Anthony turned to face us and I found that his face was quite handsome in its way. Bright blue eyes shining down at me, a lopsided, hesitant smile. Oh yes, this could be quite the match. _

"Anthony, I wanted you to meet my middle daughter. This is Edith. Edith, Anthony Strallan. Anthony is a barrister in London and Edith is an assistant at a publishing house."

"I'm not an assistant mother, I'm an editor."

"Oh, that's right dear. Excuse me for a moment." _As quickly as she descended on me, mother was gone in the crowd again. _

"It's nice to meet you." He offered timidly.

"And you… are you from the country?"

"Oh yes, just a few miles down the road. I come out for the holiday to visit with my parents."

"Your parents are still alive?" _The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. _"Sorry, I didn't mean… it's just… well, I tend to consider my grandparents anomalies at this point, living as long as they have after so many years of drinking and smoking. Funny how accepted all of that once was. Although drinking still seems to be all right. Certainly was last night when I was at a Christmas party in the city. Still a little hung over truth be told… I'm rambling and should probably just walk away right now. Lovely to have met you."

_With that I walked away, returning to my gramma's side. _

"Are those wedding bells I hear?" _She asked, handing me another glass of wine._

"No, those are the meows of the fleet of cats that will enjoy feasting my body when I die alone."

"Don't worry, sweetheart. When I first met your grandfather I managed to spill an entire glass of red wine on him, set a napkin on fire, and sounded like an idiot."

"Did you suggest that he was too old to have living parents?" _She laughed, putting an arm around me and giving me a hug._

"Don't think on it. There is a lovely man out there for you. If not in this room than in another one." _She thought by turning me away I wouldn't see that Mary had slipped in and started to speak to Anthony. _"I need to sit down, why don't you go fetch us both a plate. Then you can tell me all about the marvels of London."

_I have no idea what I will do when Gramma Martha passes. She has such spunk I suspect she'll refuse to pass away. She'll simply live on forever, wearing her gaudy jewelry and veiled hats. I do know that when it does happen I will truly be alone in this family._

_ Arriving at the food line I didn't notice Dr. Clarkson and Anthony ahead of me at the buffet table until they began to speak._

"Which daughter have you been brought here to audition for?" _I heard Dr. Clarkson ask, passing Anthony a glass of red. _

"Goodness knows. The eldest I suspect. The youngest is far too sweet for the likes of me. The middle daughter is a bit… funny isn't she? Looks as though her mother dressed her, rather put her foot in her mouth while we were speaking earlier. She is rather the spinster of the trio of daughters, isn't she?"

_I don't know what caused them to turn at that moment, but they did. There I stood, serving spoon full of turkey curry frozen in the moment as both men stared, faces flushed with embarrassment of having been overheard by their subject. Swallowing, I managed to find my voice._

"Turkey curry, my favorite." _I managed, forcing a smile as I went through the motions of filling my plate. With a nod I brushed past them, not realizing I was still carrying the large spoon and having to double back to set it down. _

_ Before Anthony could think to say something a voice called across the room: _"EDIE!"

_Suddenly I found myself hugged by my baby sister. The two plates in my hands managed to fall, spilling onto the ugly skirt I was forced into. _

"Oh, I'm sorry!" _Sybil apologized, grabbing a few napkins to try and clean up the mess._

"It's all right. One of mother's selections." _I said, my tone loud enough for Anthony to hear. _"Come upstairs with me while I get changed."

"What has you so down?" _She asked, taking my hand and leading me out of the room._

_ Oh, sweet Sybil. How do I explain to someone so beautiful and lucky in life that I repel men, have no chance of happiness in the world, and was just rejected by a man I hardly had an interest in. _

"Nothing, hung over from last night. What has you so excited?"

_I changed out of the ruined skirt and pulled on the one I had arrived in. Listening all the while as Sybil told me about the young man she had met in London and had been sneaking off as often as possible to meet. _

"Who has mother fixed you up with this year?"

"An older man who thinks that I'm a sulking spinster and already passed me off for Mary."

"That blonde gentleman who was speaking with Dr. Clarkson?"

"Yes."

"The way he was watching you I'm willing to bet he has no interest in Mary."

"Oh darling, how wonderful and cheerful it must be in your head."

"Come on, I'll prove it to you."

_Taking my hand, Sybil led me back downstairs. I was still wearing the sweater mother had put out for me but had the instant comfort of my own skirt. Perhaps that would turn the barrister's head. If nothing else I had wonderful, long legs. We returned to the dining room only to be met with the sight of Mary and Anthony laughing over something, my sister resting her hand on his forearm. _

"Edie…" _Sybil started. I just shook my head. _

"It's fine, Syb. Really. Don't think on it." _With that I left the room, holding back any emotion that might make me appear to be weak. _

"Edith?" _I heard my gramma call to me._

"I'll be back in a moment." _I replied, continuing downstairs to the old servants quarters and out the back door. Standing in the bitter air I took a deep breath. Next year is going to be different, I promised myself, next year you will not feel like this even once. Next year it will all be different._

_ And that explains this diary. To chronicle either a great success or a massive disaster. Either way, someone will know the story of Edith Crawley. _


	2. Jan 7th

_January 7th, 2013 _

_New Years Resolutions I've Already Broken:_

_(1) Be less obsessed with work _

_ I broke this well before the first of January, I knowingly broke this resolution when I packed seven manuscripts to read over the holiday at Downton. While being an editor in the fiction department at Pemberly Press may not be the most glamorous of professions, as Mary, granny, and mother like to remind me. But I love it. I get to read for a living even if the books are occasionally dreadful. _

_The family is so taken with Mary practicing law and Sybil working as a journalist. In a strange twist of fate my father was the only one pleased with my career path, having been in the field himself once. _

_(2) Drink less_

_I'm two glasses of wine in at this moment._

_(3) Absolutely no flirting with the egotistical, philandering, misogynistic, megalomaniacal embodiment of sin that is my boss Michael Gregson…_

_Failing. Miserably. _

_I don't know what it is about the man. He is my boss and I should have absolutely no interest in him. The man is a cad who has refused to consider my promotion, opinion, or existence for the past five years. But he is handsome… Dirty blonde hair that, no matter what he does, manages to fall across his forehead. His smile is wide and given rather freely, usually to any woman who passes. And of course his office is located across from mine._

_ Which would be tolerable if I didn't work in one of those modern architecture monstrosities, the ones made of glass walls and shiny white floors. Thanks to the latter I know for a fact that Michael never gives me a second thought, let alone salacious ones._

_When one wipes out on a wet floor, spilling hot coffee down the front of her blouse and managing to rip the back of her skirt… well, we can all agree that an incident such as that doesn't scream 'sexy!' His reaction didn't scream gentleman, mind you. After helping me up he informed me that my knickers and bra didn't match. Charming, right? Of course Sarah O'Brien was there to shake her head in disgust at me. Ever so slightly senior because she has been at the company longer than me, so believes herself to be my boss as well._

_But he did manage a charm some how. For all his more... smarmy tendencies, he could charm the bloom off the rose. Unlike his boss, Richard Carlisle… more like Richard Carl-arse. A man who insists on forgetting my name but never fails to stand inappropriately close to me while glancing down my top. He would be handsome were it not for these tendencies. He did also insist on publishing the ridiculous novels of whichever twit-ish young lady he was running around with that month. Which is how we have been responsible for such moving works as "Powerful Men and How to Land Them" (ironically that woman only lasted one more month after the book went to press), then there was a little novel that turned out to be an unfortunate rip off of 50 Shades of Gray… that it made the original seem well written should give you an indication. And then there was this month's gem, "Prude & Persistence" a so-called sexy take on Pride and Prejudice, pointing out where Elizabeth Bennett went wrong and why she should have carried on a torrid affair with Wickham until she was able to land the money and brooding prowess of Darcy…_

_I hate my job. I hate girls who sleep their way to the top and some how manage to have their ridiculous books published. I hate my life. I hate that the last run through the washing machine seemed to have shrunk the skirt I chose to wear today…_

**DING**

_Ah, new mail. That should add to the tedium of proofing P&P._

**_Crawley,_**

**_I don't mean to alarm you but you seem to have forgotten your skirt today. Or has skirt taken a sick day? _**

- **_MG_**

_What is happening? Is he flirting with me? Via email?_

**_Dear Management,_**

**_Skirt is demonstrable neither sick nor absent. Perhaps it is management who has left all sense of propriety home sick today._**

**_Regards,_**

**_E._**

_Well… this was a turn to the day._

**_Crawley,_**

**_So sorry to offend. Will cease all concerns for poor skirt from hereon out. Do so hope you might forgive._**

**_-MG_**

**_P.S. hope knickers and top match today._**

_I was so keen to continue emailing with him, but naturally this was the moment for my phone to ring._

"Eeds?" _Asked a sorrowful voice._

_Ethel. Wonderful girl, fantastic friend, does tend to lock herself in the bathroom at her work with relative frequency to cry over her loser of the month. _

"Oh, darling. What has he done now?"

"It's not him. He's perfect. I manage to fuck it all up some how. I asked him if he could drop me off at my flat instead of slowing to a stop at the curb…"

_We would undoubtedly cover this topic at dinner tonight with our friends Thomas and Anna, but I could hear the locking of the door in the background. Of course this meant a situation that had to be dealt with immediately. _

"Ethel, stop right there. He's a bastard. Accept this fact and dump him, for your sake as well as ours. He's not perfect, you're perfect. He's just a big knob head with no knob…"

_While giving my sage advice I didn't realize that Michael was standing in my doorway, holding a manuscript in hand to go over notes. _

"Is a rather crass position to take on Mr. Herbert and his new book… but frankly that's a small minded point of view. Thank you for your call." _I hung up the phone as quickly as possible. _"Need something, boss?"

"Your notes on the lovely young Amber's attack on Pride and Prejudice."

"Yes?"

"While entertaining and worthy of being published with the actual text to keep a riot of Austen fans from boycotting the book… I'm sorry, were you talking about Charles Herbert just now?"

"Yes."

"He has a new book?"

"Yes."

"I thought he had died…"

_Fuuuuuuuuck._

"Hmm, anyway. The book is what it is. Richard isn't allowing for any editing aside from grammatical and spelling."

"Of course."

_As he walked away I let my head drop to my desk. Charles Herbert had died months ago. I attended the funeral. Why did I have to pick that name?_

**DING**

**_Crawley,_**

**_Had to check close up. Sad to see the skirt is in fact present._**

**_-MG_**

_Perhaps not the worse resolution to have broken._


	3. Jan 18th19th

_January 18__th__, 2013_

_Lord help me. _

_Do not know how I find myself in these situations, but I do. _

_Where to begin… Ah, the elevator, where all interesting and mortifying situations start out. I found myself alone in the elevator with Michael after another day of flirting via email about my clothing selections. Am not ashamed to say that I selected a rather low cut top this morning in the hopes that management would send me another email questioning the wisdom of the choice. _

_Michael swaggered into the elevator, smiling when he realized I was standing there alone. He slipped in the spot next to me and turned to say something. Of course before he could Richard joined us, staring straight ahead, but there nevertheless. _

_Naturally I assumed that all hope was lost, I would have to be dazzling and witty while also managing every so slightly sexy another time… of course I realize that those three things would never describe me and if we had been given time to speak alone I would have managed to embarrass myself and nothing more. Praise be for the silence! While standing there quietly I suddenly felt something brush against the back of my skirt._

_The cad was feeling me up!_

_Not that I slapped him away of course. Have you any idea how long it has been since a man was interested in my bottom let alone any other part of me? I turned slightly to look at him, hopefully managing surprise and coy amusement._

_The elevator reached the parking garage and we all set off in our separate directions, but not before Richard stopped me._

"Ah, Edna?"

"Yes, sir?" _I asked as respectfully as I could manage when being addressed by the wrong name. _

"The launch party tomorrow night, I would like you to introduce me so that I can introduce Heather."

"Very good, sir." _I nodded, forcing a smile. He leered at me for a moment before continuing towards his executive parking spot. _

_ I started back in the direction Michael had disappeared only to be startled when he pulled me behind a pillar with him._

"Edna?" _He laughed._

"It's been eight years, I think he might be insulted if I corrected him at this point."

"Well, Crawley, how about I take you and your deathly ill skirt to dinner?"

"Hmm, can't tonight I'm afraid." _Excellent response. Aloof, I've got other plans that don't involve you. Which was true. I was to meet Thomas, Anna and Ethel. _

"Tomorrow night then?"

"No, no. Launch party for the newest literary classic penned by Richard's flavor of the month."

"Fuck, that's going to be a dreadful night. Sure I can't persuade you to come round mine? Bottle of red, box of takeaway?"

"Sorry, lovely young man waiting for me. Night, Michael." _Success! What a marvelous parting shot! And I didn't look back, just kept walking._

_Naturally I failed to mention that in addition to a young man, who hasn't given a sexual thought towards a woman since he was 13, my married best friend Anna and sobbing Ethel would be coming along. That would shatter the illusion._

"You're going to have to look gorgeous." _Thomas announced, lighting another cigarette. He was unfortunately handsome, had some brief fame in the 90s singing a pop song and discovered that the royalties would last him a lifetime. Or for another ten years at least. "Don't be yourself, glam out. Tart it up a bit."_

_ "Tart it up? Thomas, that's horrible advice! Edith, you really don't want to welcome the advances of that man, do you?" Anna Bates interrupted. Dear Anna, gorgeous and happily married. She tended to be the voice of reason in my head. _

_ "Have you seen him? I'd throw on a halter and a mini if it would turn his head." Ethel laughed, gesturing to the waiter for another drink. She had finally put an end to the off/on relationship and was drinking her way through it. _

_ "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with yourself, Eeds. Just be a little less…"_

_ "Add some allure." Ethel suggested._

_ "Allure! Yes! Short skirt and allure!" Thomas chorused. "And maybe be a little bit more interesting." _

_ "Thomas!" Anna scolded. "Don't listen to them, Edith."_

_January 19__th__, 2013_

_Of course I listen to them. Self-doubt will always shout down my better angels. Which is why I spent all of Saturday with curlers in my hair, using hot wax strips to pull hair from various parts of my body and trying to decide on which short dress to wear. _

_On the topic of women and how we become alluring:_

_1) Curlers. Any type will do, depending on your hair. With my short hair, holding curl as well as it does I always end up looking a bit like a wild-eyed flapper. Which was what I was going for._

_2) Eyeliner. Oh beloved eyeliner. I don't know why men like it when we look mysterious and smoky eyed, but they do and we want to please. _

_3) Spanx. Ugly? Yes. Holds everything in place so that you can wear a black pleather dress that hugs literally every curve on the body. _

_4) Stockings. Thigh highs with the seams going up the back. Again, don't know why men like them, but we kowtow._

_So, hair in curls, eyeliner heavy, Spanx keeping all of me in place and stockings clinging to my thighs, I ran out the door. Just barely managing to keep the four-inch heels on my feet. _

_I got there just as the crowd was expanding, making it rather easy to slip in unnoticed. A table of champagne, the only upside to these launch parties. Glancing towards the small stage I realized that I had been so busy getting ready for the party that I had jotted down a speech but hadn't practiced it. _

"Miss O'Brien." _Of course she's the first person I run into._

"Hitting the streets afterwards?" _She questioned, glaring at my dress. _

"No, sorry. You'll have to look elsewhere." _I smiled sweetly before starting to move away._

"Miss Crawley." _A voice sounded behind me, stopping me from moving._

"Mr. Strallan." _I nodded, turning around slowly after another sip of champagne._

"You look very nice tonight."

"Dressed myself and all."

"Yes, about that…"

"Anthony, darling, what's keeping you? Oh, Eeds!" _He brought Mary. Please let something heavy fall on me now. _"Don't you look… put together."

"And don't you look…" _From the corner of my eye I caught sight of Matthew moving through the crowd, straightening his tie and wiping lipstick away from his mouth. _"Diplomatic."

_Her eyes narrowed, with a glance back she realized that I had spotted him. I owed Strallan no favors, if he was foolish enough to run around with Mary then that was on him. The spinster sister wouldn't cheat._

"I was just telling your sister how nice she looks." _Anthony cut in. If the outfit didn't work on Michael at the very least I had the satisfaction that I turned the head of Mary's date. _

"All dressed up, just for me, Crawley? I'm flattered." _Michael appeared at my side, swapping out my empty glass of champagne for a full one. _

"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?"

"Eeds, aren't you going to introduce us?" _Mary questioned. _

"Oh, of course. Michael Gregson, my boss. This is my sister Mary and her…" _I didn't know for sure if they were a couple or just screwing around._

"Friend." _Mary supplied, though the smirk she sent me suggested otherwise. There's no real term for 'man I'm stringing along to make someone else jealous.' _

"Strallan." _Michael nodded._

"Gregson."_ Anthony replied curtly. _

"You two know each other?" _I asked blankly, somewhat surprised that they would ever be near the same social circles._

"Yes, we go way back." _Michael leered, before turning back to me. _"You're required on stage, my dear."

_I can't even write down how horrible it all was. I can't even specifically remember what was said. Certainly made people laugh, but that was after I got flustered and mentioned that the book we were there to celebrate was the epitome of everything wrong with a culture that bastardizes classics in an attempt to dumb them down and make them more sexually attractive for a generation that can't be bothered to develop an appreciation or understanding of good literature… _

_I should never be given an open mic. I should NEVER be given an open mic. I should __**NEVER**__ be given an open mic and champagne._

_I don't even remember getting off the stage. Just standing back at the champagne table again while Richard awkwardly explained that I was quite humorous and something about those who can't do criticize. _

"That was amazing." _Michael whispered, sliding into the space behind me and curling an arm around my waist. _

"Is Richard going to fire me?"

"Oh I doubt it. Heather was on her way out anyway. First round of reviews already came out. No one did him any favors." _He rested his chin on my shoulder. I glanced up, noticing that Anthony Strallan was a few paces away, watching us. He looked angry, truly angry. It must've been about Michael, there was no way he was that angry about me being with another man. _

"Small favors."

"Indeed. Listen, Crawley. You're looking very sexy and I must insist that you let me take you."

"Is that so?"

"To dinner. You didn't let me finish. Come on, you're looking far too skinny. Come on, darling."

_He kept an arm around my waist and led me out of the party, past a glowering Strallan._

_Dinner turned into drinks at his apartment. Another feat of modern architecture. Sharp angles, glass walls, white floors, almost no books. Although… to be perfectly honest I wasn't interested in Michael for his mind. As I'm sure he was not interested in me for mine. _

"So, how do you know him?" _He asked, handing me a glass of wine._

"Who?"

"The good Sir Strallan."

"Ah, my mother tried to set us up at Christmas."

"And he preferred your sister to you? Madness."

"How do you know him?" _I didn't want to talk about Mary. If I talk about Mary to other men they might start wondering why they're with the wrong sister. _

"I had the misfortune of getting caught in the middle of a marital dispute. Maude was having an affair, I inadvertently let him know and ended up with a broken nose."

"Shot the messenger?"

"Quite. Enough about him. I'm keen to know how you're staying in that dress… such a silly little dress."

_I suddenly found myself laid out on the floor of his living room. _

"Silly stockings." _He murmured, his hands brushing along my legs, moving towards the skirt. _"And these are… my God, Edith, what are these?"

_Shit! Forgot about the Spanx._

"Oh…" _I quickly tried to pull my skirt back down. _

"No, no. Don't hide them. I like them. Hello, granny." _Michael laughed, trying to get another look. _

_It never struck me at that moment, lying beneath him, laughing and having a grand time, that while one area of my life was starting to take an upswing, another area was about to take a nosedive. _


	4. Mar 1st Mar 9th

_March 1__st__, 2013_

_Huzzah. Am in a relationship at long last. Only took ten years. My poor neglected diary, I've been so busy with Michael I've been forgetting to write quite as often. Such a lovely month and a half together. Now, it means putting up with women trying to flirt with him anytime we're out together. But he always shakes his head slightly when we're alone again and apologizes. He's around to my flat on a semi-regular basis. For some reason we don't seem to go to his anymore, not since that first night. I suspect he noticed my discomfort there._

"You are of strange tastes, lady Edith." _He mused that night in my bed._

"You aren't that strange." _ I laughed, trying to catch my breath and pulling the blankets up around me. I still wasn't comfortable being naked in front of him._

"I'm pretty sure I'm the best sign of hope you've had in ages. Everything around here is so old, time for a bit of modern." _He mused, looking around my bedroom._

"Antiques." _I shrugged as he pulled me on top of him._

"Away with this." _He grinned, moving the sheet away and leaving me bare. Noticing my discomfort he took me by surprise and began to tickle my sides. I fell forward, lying against him and laughing. Our sphere of happiness quickly shattered by the phone ringing._

_With a groan, I glanced at the clock. 9.30 pm on a Friday night? A crying Ethel was waiting on the other end of the line._

"Hiya, Ethel. Very naughty man between my legs at the moment, so if we could make this quick."

"Really, Edith! You were not raised to answer the phone like that!"

"Mum!" _I managed, I could feel Michael laughing beneath me._

"And whom is this man? Have you and Anthony Strallan…?"

"No, mother. His interests lie with Mary. And my gentleman caller is of no concern to you."

"So dramatic." _She sighed. _"Listen, I need you to go out to the house and visit your father."

"What for?"

"I'll explain it all tomorrow at lunch."

_Very cryptic message. And, after Michael left to go home I called Sybil in search of information. _

_It was far worse than I could've imagined. Mother and father were separated._

_And it would seem that Sybil had taken mother's side, while Mary was far too busy with work to take either side. Which left father sitting alone at Downton while mother took to city life._

_Mother could barely spare half an hour for lunch. She half-heartedly explained:_

"Your father had a fling back in '96 and for some reason decided to clear his conscious. So I figure it's my turn to have a bit of fun."

"Hardly a mature reaction."

"Perhaps I'm tired of being mature, Edith. Perhaps I'm tired of being a mother and a wife and nothing else. Maybe I'm tired of hosting dinner parties and kowtowing to your grandmother."

_She had run into an old friend from America and was spending a great deal of time running around London with him. Tall, almost orange-ish thanks to his fake tan. _

"Someone needs to check on your father."

"And that someone is me?"

"Sybil's busy with school, Mary with this trial she's working on."

"I work too. I have a job."

"You can spare a weekend. Go up next week, then you can meet the rest of us over at Aunt Rosie's party. I'm bringing Geoffrey." _She beamed_. "I must be off now, dear."

_Bringing a date to a party being thrown by father's sister. Not at all cruel. _

* * *

_March 9__th__, 2013_

_Michael and I drove up to the country two days ago. Almost like a mini-holiday. And he had agreed to come along to the party and act as my shield. A position he had to take on quickly as we arrived to find Mary and Anthony seated in the lounge with father, who seemed rather despondent._

"Eeds, what are you doing here?" Mary questioned.

"Up early for the party, thought we'd make a weekend out of it. And you two?"

"Lot's of work to do, needed somewhere quiet." _She gave me that smile. That same smile she has always given me when she believed she had one-upped me. _

_Father didn't move to greet me, so I went to him. Aware that Anthony and Michael were glaring at each other. _

"Father, this is Michael Gregson."

"Hmm? Oh, hello. Robert Crawley." _ The two shook hands._

"Pleasure to meet you, sir. You've got a lovely home here."

"Thank you."

"Dad, have you eaten anything today?" _ I asked, noticing that he looked a bit thinner and was letting a beard grow in._

"No… no, not hungry."

"You need to have something."

_Mary quickly made her exit, not caring to look after father if someone else was willing to do it. I asked Michael to take our things up to my room, giving him directions up the stairs. Which left me alone with Anthony, whom I was doing my very best to ignore._

"Come on, dad. I'll take you down to the kitchen and make something."

"All right… where… where did Mary go? I thought she was coming to see me."

_I sighed, a flush of embarrassment that Anthony was there to witness that even my father would prefer his other daughters to my company._

"She just went to the library. She and Anthony are here to work. I came to see you."

"So you did." _He nodded._

_I got him to the doorway when he stopped and turned back to Anthony._

"Tell Mary she should come down to the kitchen when she has a break." _He continued out of the room, leaving me in the doorway. _

"I'm sorry, Edith." _Anthony managed, quietly moving to stand next to me._

"Hurry along, don't want to keep her waiting." _I replied, continuing on to look after dad. _

_I don't know why I thought that anything would be different. That if I wasn't a spinster they would some how com around on their opinions of me. Even with a boyfriend at my side my parents still saw right through me. I still wasn't worthy of their love or even their company. _

_It was one of those lovely spring days today and Michael convinced me to go for a walk. Then we somehow decided that it would be a good idea to take one of the small rowboats out on the lake, surprised to find that Mary and Anthony had had the same idea. Mary was reading from a file while Anthony would occasionally nod or correct something. _

_We meanwhile were behaving like teenagers on a school trip. Everything was hilarious, Michael was trying to woo me with salty poetry. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed quite so hard. I could feel Mary's glare on me as she muttered loudly about childish behavior. _

_I didn't care. I was far too preoccupied with Michael deciding to abandon his rowboat and board mine._

"That's it, Crawley! I'm coming aboard! Just stay right there!" _He stood up in his vessel, clearly unsteady and suddenly found himself in the lake. I laughed so hard that there were tears running down my cheeks as he resurfaced, completely soaked through. The motion of him falling in the water sent waves that turned my boat. In that moment I caught sight of Anthony staring quite openly at me. The faintest hit of a smile on his face. _

"All right, you're coming in too." _Michael shouted, drawing my attention again. _

"What? No I'm not!" _ I laughed, struggling to get hold of my ores. _

_Dinner was a quiet affair. Father was in no mood to make conversation and the four of us hardly had anything to say to each other. _

"I could never stand for cheating." _I whispered later when Michael and I were curled up in my childhood bed together. Seeing my father in this state is difficult. His manner towards me is always cold, but I prefer him upbeat and cold over depressed and cold. _

"I would hardly think you capable of being dishonest."

"I meant you… I love you, Michael." _He fell silent and pulled me closer. I didn't know what that meant. Part of me thought that I would never know what he meant. But when I woke the next morning he was already up, dressed, and packing to leave early. I could certainly read that sign. _


	5. Mar 10th

_March 10__th__, 2013_

_Michael left early to work on the Monday morning meeting with the heads of the American branch. He was adamant that work be taken care of first and promised to see me tomorrow._

_First, we should all be going to hell for attending a tarts and vicars party on a Sunday. I very well assume that that alone is the reason Auntie changed the theme at the last minute and failed to inform me. Perhaps the embarrassment would have been slightly more tolerable if Michael had been able to come along with me. Instead father was at my side, dressed as a vicar. There was something severely wrong with this all. _

_It took a bit of hunting, but I had tracked down a pink Playboy rabbit costume for the party. As I dressed in front of the mirror that morning I had all of these marvelous images of making Mary feel jealous. I was the new Edith after all. And the new Edith wasn't shy, wasn't hiding her body beneath layers of "clothes her mother must've picked out for her" as that bore Strallan so kindly pointed out at the Downton Christmas party. _

_As I made it through the gates I instantly realized that something was amiss. _

_Oh. Fuck._

_I could see my older sister barely containing her laughter as she leaned in to whisper something to Strallan. Oh yes, I'm sure they would just howl with laughter at this misstep. Sybil and mother hurried toward me, both looking horrified, though my little sister seemed slightly more sympathetic._

_ "Oh fuck." Father voiced before pulling at the collar and disappearing into the crowd. _

_"Edith! What on earth are you wearing?" Mother demanded, standing directly in front of me in the hopes of hiding me from prying eyes._

_ "Well, as I was told this was a tarts and vicars party…"_

_ "Oh for heavens sake." Sybil sounded cross as she turned to address the approaching Mary. "You didn't tell her!"_

_ "Didn't I? Oh, must have slipped my mind. So sorry about that, Eeds." _

_Were we not raised to be ladies I would have punched my sister just then… I take that back, if there weren't witnesses I'd have punched my sister just then. Strallan stood behind the crowd of my family, nervously looking away from me. How he could ever be done in by Mary I have no idea, he was rather timid while Mary was so… decidedly not._

_ "I've got…" He awkwardly held out his raincoat to me, still trying hard not to stare. Apparently I over estimated my allure. _

_ "That's quite…" I started to reject, but mother interrupted, snatching the Burberry coat and wrapping it around me. _

_ "Thank you, Anthony. That should do quite well until we can get you a cab home." _

_ "Mother, I am not…"_

_ "Oh yes you are. Really, Edith! It's as if you try to find new ways to embarrass this family." _

_I said nothing that was the last of my confidence gone. Yes, mother. I purposely arranged it for Mary to be a… a… ugh, I'm in my twenties, I shouldn't be quite so hesitant about the c-word. For better or worse that was the word that best described my sister. Blinking the tears back as best I could, I just turned and walked away from the group. Back to the road where Michael had dropped me. It had been such a pleasant weekend… well… not so much pleasant as it was satisfying. He was hiding something from me. Despite my lack of experience with men, I did have sisters, which gave you a fantastic sense for deception. _

_ "Would you like a ride, Edith?" Came a voice from behind me._

_ "No, no that's quite all right." I answered, not turning around, not giving him the satisfaction. _

_ "Please, I insist. Cab fare from here to London would be ridiculous and I had planned to head back in this afternoon anyway." _

_ "Very well." _

_Which is how I found myself in Anthony Strallan's Range Rover on the way back to London. Still in my disgraced pink costume, wrapped in his overpriced coat. Grudgingly I admitted that the cashmere lining made it worth the exorbitant expense. And that his cologne lingering on the collar was oddly calming. But that is all I'm willing to admit. We drove in silence for the first hour until he felt compelled to make small talk._

_ "I'm sorry about Mary."_

_ "I'm usually sorry about Mary." I muttered, pulling the stupid headband from my hair, shaking my once perfectly executed curls free. "Good luck marrying that one."_

_ "No engagement has been announced yet." _

_ "Oh I'm sure it will be if she decides she wants it badly enough."_

_ "You don't think her affections are sincere?"_

_ "Perhaps your relationship with her is different than mine, but I've never known Mary to be sincere about anything other than trying to prove she's better than me in every conceivable manner."_

_ "She isn't better than anyone, just a bit different. As are you."_

_ "You sound like my mother. Who consequentially did not dress me today." I took the opportunity to remind him of his past comments. _

_ "Yes, that fact is quite clear." He replied softly. We lapsed back into silence until reaching London. _

_ "Thank you, Anthony." I said quickly, climbing out of his car and heading for my front door. I could hear his car door close and his shoes on the pavement as he followed me. _

_ "My… my jacket."_

_ "Yes, of course." I started to pull if from my shoulders when he climbed the two stairs and stood directly in front of me, making it difficult to move._

_ "I really do think well of you Edith. You're quite lovely, really."_

_ "Lovely?" I scoffed, unsure of what his angle was. "Yes, quite lovely except for my, what was it you said? My funny personality and obvious spinster behavior. Oh and my lovely body that you were more eager than my mother to cover up." _

_He took a step closer, pushing me against the wall and into the buzzers, though not firmly enough to press them. He overwhelmed me. His blue eyes staring down at me with an intensity I had never seen before. His hands found their way under his jacket, resting on my satin covered hips. _

_ "I wanted you covered because I didn't think I would be able to control myself if I knew other men were seeing that much of you." His voice was low and gravely. I felt a surge of heat deep inside of me, more than I ever felt with Michael. "You're a lovely woman, Edith." _

_ My breath caught in my throat, fighting the urge to stretch up on tiptoes and kiss him. _

_ "Far too lovely for the likes of Michael Gregson. You should keep that in mind." And like that he killed the mood, sliding his jacket down my shoulders and returning to his car. At that moment I simultaneously despised and desired Anthony Strallan. And I hated myself for both emotions. _

_There was no way I would be able to sit alone for the rest of the afternoon. Between Michael and Anthony I was confused beyond words. I had found the latter attractive, if he did seem to have little regard for me… well, until today. Then there was Michael with his secrets. _

_I hurried inside and quickly changed out of my bunny costume before hailing a cab and heading over to Michael's apartment. _

_ "Eed, what are you doing here? What happened to the party?" He asked, standing in front of the door so I couldn't come in._

_ "Theme changed, which Mary failed to tell me. So I came back early." _

_ "Is something wrong?"_

_ "May I come in?" He looked down at himself, apparently realizing that he was blocking the door._

_ "Oh, of course." _

_ "Did I freak you out yesterday? When I said I love you?" I ventured nervously._

_ "What? No… well, a little. It's just, it's rather sudden." _

_ "Is that why you were so weird this morning?"_

_ "No, of course not. Look, Eeds, I care for you. I really do. It's just everything with the company is piling up. New York is so eager to screw us over… I'm just so tired." He sighed, resting on the arm of the sofa and pulling me into his lap. _

_ "I'll leave you to work. Don't worry, you'll figure something out." I soothed, brushing his hair back and smiling softly. _

_He had just led me to the steps when I heard something from the bedroom. I paused, turning back to look at him then towards the doorway._

_Without thinking I moved towards the room, curious as to what made the noise. _

_ "Edith." He called after me. I pushed the door open and found the room empty. _

_ "Sorry. I'm sorry. Just tired." _

_We walked downstairs, pausing at the front door to say goodbye when I noticed it. A pink jacket hanging from the coat hook. I knew it wasn't mine. I didn't own one like it. And it wasn't something forgotten because it was still wet from the early morning rain that day. _

_Letting go of Michael's hand I hurried back upstairs, into the bedroom and followed through to the bathroom. _

_Sitting on the edge of the tub was a dark haired woman in a pair of glasses and wearing a pink silk robe. All I could do was stare at her, even when I became aware of Michael standing behind me. _

_ "I thought you said she was pretty?" The woman asked Michael. _

_I turned to face him. Not saying a word I hurried out of the apartment and walked the twelve blocks back home. _

_Trying to keep from sobbing I picked up the phone and called Anna. Common sense was what I needed right now. _


	6. Mar 15th thru 29th

_March 15__th__, 2013_

_At last, the end to the longest week of work ever. Shagging the boss was a horrible idea. Cause in the end that's all it was. I was in love and he was in lust until his wife came back into town. I'm receiving looks of pity from Sarah O'Brien… oh how the mighty fall… though I was never truly mighty, just thought I was. Stupid little girl. _

_In the midst of awkward workdays I've managed a few interviews at other publishing houses._

_On the topic: Interviews are hellish. Two men have questioned my chest about where I went to university, I foolishly pretended to have any idea about children's books (after which they asked if I had any of my own to which I answered "God, no"), and on the last interview I broke and informed the head of a publishing house that I had to leave my old job because I had been sleeping with my boss until I found out that he was married to his American counterpart in the company and had to leave because things were becoming unbearable. Oddly that was the position I was offered… And declined._

_Wine for dinner._

* * *

_March 18__th__, 2013_

_I quit today. I really quit. Not just a mental "I'm done with this." But loudly, publicly, in the middle of the office, with O'Brien backing me up. I wasn't planning on it. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind as a serious option. But Michael called me into his office. _

_"Edith, things can't go on as they have been." _

_"I don't know what you're talking about. I've been behaving like an adult. I certainly haven't been mooning around, my work hasn't suffered. My respect for you has certainly disappeared but that hasn't been particularly obvious to anyone aside from you… and your wife, of course." _

_"Edith…"_

_"No."_

_"I thought this was a mutual thing, you wore you short skirts and tight dresses, I was obliging… You shouldn't take it so personally." _

_"Personally? I shouldn't take it personally that you got me into bed, led me to believe that we were dating and then tried to hide your wife when she arrived in town. You complete and utter bastard." It was then I realized that a gaggle had formed outside of door, listening intently. "You know what, I quit."_

_"Edith."_

_"I do. I quit." I turned and moved towards my office to get my things._

_"You can't quit."_

_"Of course I can, I've got an opportunity to work elsewhere and would frankly rather be working anywhere else in the world right now."_

_"Just a minute, Miss Crawley. I believe that your contract requires six weeks notice before leaving." He called after me after I had already returned to the main office. Sarah was instantly by my side, scowling at Michael. _

_"Well, I figured, with the company being in so much trouble, that it would run more efficiently without the distraction in her short skirts and tight dresses, messing about with the press releases." I shrugged._

_"Wha—well…" He started, then glanced at Sarah who refused to return to her desk. _

_"I want to hear this. If she gives even one inch I'm going to fire her bony little ass for being totally spineless." Support I never expected but took happily. _

_"Right, well there may be some advantages, perks to you staying on."_

_"I think I've had just about all I can take of your __**perks**__. And I think you overestimate the allure of your… perks."_

_My parting words to Michael. And out I went with a pat on the shoulder from Sarah O'Brien. With my box of belongings I walked to Anna's house, brilliant woman to work from home. _

_I collapsed on the couch with my box and muttered quietly,_

_"Now what?" _

* * *

_March 24__th__, 2013_

_I've done the math and realized that I have enough of a savings to cushion a few months of looking, but I decided that it might be a nice time to visit the country. Mother is still running around the city with her beau, leaving dad sitting on his own. Apparently he and I could form the lonely-hearts club of Downton. Train ride tomorrow. I'm not dreading it as much as usual._

_"Edith, was I expecting you?" Dad's appearance surprised me, he apparently gave up shaving. _

_ "No, but I just… I needed to get away from the city for a little bit, if that's all right?" _

_ "Yes, of course." He stammered, moving to let me in. "What about work?"_

_ "I quit. Please, save your lecture on disappointment and how Mary's never quit anything before until later. Please?"_

_ "I… I was going to just ask why."_

_ "Michael."_

_ "Your boyfriend?"_

_ "And my boss. Who turned out to be my married boss." I nodded sadly. _

_ "Seemed like a prick." I almost laughed at that._

_ "You might've shared your opinion." I shrugged._

_ "Would it have made a difference? Have you ever care about anything I said?" His tone wasn't loud or angry, it was as though we were having a normal conversation._

_ "It might have. I might've thought "wow, dad actually seems to care about me for once, there must be something wrong with Michael."' Was my equally calm reply before taking up my things and heading up to my bedroom. I honestly didn't think dad would care a lick about what I had said, that he would actually hear me. _

_I was down in the kitchen trying to put something together for dinner when he appeared again. We went our separate ways after I arrived, I stayed in my room and I'm sure dad returned to his office to sulk over mother. _

_ "Mrs. Patmore is still bringing groceries over for you?" I asked, noticing that there was a supply of fresh food in the fridge and cabinets. _

_ "Yes, if only I knew how to prepare it… I've consulted a few cookbooks." He lingered near the door for a while as I pulled thing to use for dinner. _

_ "That's a good start. I can make a few things and freeze them for you before I head back to the city." _

_ "You aren't going back so soon are you?"_

_ "Perhaps a week or so. Until I figure out what to do."_

_ "Will you look for another publishing house?"_

_ "I've already interviewed with a few, the only real offer came from a pervert." _

_ "You've already had enough time working for one of those." He smiled timidly. I never thought I would see my father as timid. _

_ "More than enough. Chicken and roast potatoes, does that sound good?" _

_ "Sounds marvelous, and rather like something I burned a few weeks ago." _

_ "Probably just left it in too long."_

_ "I'll watch how you do it, if that's all right?"_

_ "Of course." _

_I worked in silence for a while, dad watching as I moved throughout the kitchen. _

_ "Is that all there is to it?" He asked as I pulled the dishes from the oven. _

_ "That's all. Do you want to open some wine? I'll set the table." He nodded and moved for the cellar. _

_ "Smells wonderful." _

_ "Have you not been eating well?"_

_ "Well as I can manage. It's rather dreadful being alone like this." He confessed quietly. _

_ "You'd be amazed how well you can get used to it." I replied off handedly. _

_ "You aren't alone, are you?"_

_ "I've always been." _

_ "Surely not when you're here at home."_

_ "If Grandma Martha is here I'm not. Otherwise, yes. Mary's always been your top priority, mother with Sybil. Always has been that way." _

_ "Surely it hasn't always…"_

_ "Last time I was here the first thing you asked me was where Mary was. I'm… never mind…"_

_ "No, what is it?"_

_ "I'm never enough for anyone. I'm never good enough, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I forever come up short. I'm not enough to matter as a daughter, Michael used me as though I was nothing, the only man to ever give me a second thought is caught up with Mary, which means he'll want nothing to do with me when she's broken his heart… I don't know why I bother." _

_With that I threw down my fork and moved back to the kitchen to start cleaning the pots and pans. _

_ "Edith…" He followed me to the sink. When I didn't turn back his hands stopped mine, pulling the sponge and pan away before turning me to face him. "I love you, sweetheart."_

_I don't know if it was him pulling me into a hug or the sentiment but I suddenly burst into tears. _

_ "You haven't said that to me in years." I sobbed into his shoulder. "No one has." _

_ "I'll say it more often and mean it." I just nodded and held onto him tightly. "Let's have our dinner and you can tell me about the publishing world." _

_ "I'll never understand why you didn't go into publishing for yourself." I laughed, brushing the tears away from my cheeks. _

_ "Your mother didn't think it was a sensible path." _

_ "Well, mother's doing what she wants now, why don't you? There are so many wonderful books being passed over right now in lieu of trash." _

_He seemed to pause and think about that for a moment before going back to his plate. _

_ "So, who is the man that passed you over?"_

_ "Anthony Strallan." I could barely contain my annoyance. "Of all the men in world…"_

_ "He and Mary are dating?"_

_ "Certainly the impression Mary has given me."_

_ "What about Matthew?"_

_ "Oh they're doing their little dance of avoidance again." _

_ "Your sister has always had a horrible habit of going through men." _

_I bit my tongue but smiled just the same, part of me was amused but part of me thought it might be a trap. _

* * *

_March 29__th__, 2013_

_What a bizarre week. My father offered to go into business with me. _

_Crawley Publishing._


	7. April 17th thru 27th

_April 17__th__, 2013_

_As of this day Crawley Publishing is officially in business. _

_We have literally no business yet. But I've never seen papa happier before in my life. Even his depression over mother seems to have dissipated, if only during work hours. We've set up shop in small but significantly better-decorated offices. No modern art or glass walls. We each have our own office, with another sitting vacant for when I find another editor. At the desk out front sits receptionist and shared secretary Daisy. As there isn't much business yet there isn't much need for a plethora of secretaries. _

_A few loyal clients from the past have agreed to come with me, but they've got to finish the new books first. _

_"Don't you have a manuscript sitting in a drawer somewhere?" Papa asked over lunch, which was take out sandwiches at his desk._

_"Don't you?" I countered nervously._

_"Of course I do. Though it isn't very good."_

_"According to whom?"_

_"Your mother is the only one I let read it." He shrugged._

_"I haven't let anyone read mine… perhaps we should trade." I have no idea what possessed me. Part of me thought it would be a good idea, a gesture to put us on even ground in terms of the business. On the other hand the topic of my novel is a middle child, least loved by her family, striking out on her own. A bit self-indulgent? Possibly. But I had started it in university when I was on my own for the first time. This would be the real test of how much my father could truly acknowledge their treatment. While I wrote it as a fiction… well, one needn't look too hard to find where the inspiration came from._

_"Mine is a it autobiographical." He warned._

_"Mine too."_

_Apparently papa and I will be getting to know each other._

**_x-X-x_**

_April 20__th__, 2013_

_I've been reading my father's book nonstop for three days. Just finished, couldn't stop crying. I had no idea his parents were so… so… oppressive. Can scarcely gather my thoughts right now._

**_x-X-x_**

_April 27__th__, 2013_

_Papa has my book, he went back to Downton for the week so the wait for his feedback is in fact killing me right now._

_Tonight was another horrid event on its own: A Bates Dinner Party._

_A gathering of blissful, happily married and reproducing couples, plus a few spares._

_Anna and John, of course, the perfect couple and the only one I usually like at these gatherings._

_Alfred and Thomas, the couple to show how progressive everyone is to have a homosexual set in their friendship collection. _

_Calvin and Robyn, a couple I've never seen before in my life, despite Anna insisting that I've met them numerous times before._

_To my utter delight (please note the sarcasm), my mother and Rick, her Californian beau who can barely be older than Sybil. As well as Mary and Anthony. And seated next to me, the other spare of the evening, the beloved Matthew. _

_"What fresh hell is this?" I whispered to Matthew as he stood to pull my chair out for me. _

_"One that will be lasting far longer than my sanity." He whispered back. _

_"As long as we're suffering together, dearest." There must have been something in our laughter or the smiles we exchanged because before Matthew could fill my wine glass Mary lunged with a dig._

_"No Gregson with you tonight, Eeds?" Anthony's head shot up at the question, trying look as though he was only casually interested. _

_"Oh, didn't you hear they split up?" Thomas asked. "Quite publicly according to Sarah O'Brien. Must've really lid into him to win her praise."_

_"Yes. I was rather surprised to have her support. And I would've though you'd have heard, Mary. You're so well informed about Michael otherwise."_

_"You mean about him being married? Completely slipped my mind."_

_"That forgetfulness must be greatly appreciated by your clients." I observed casually, sipping at my wine and earning a wink from Matthew._

_"Now girls." Mother laughed nervously, glancing at her male friend. "Edith, you can't expect Mary to keep tabs on your life, she's very busy."_

_"Edith!" John suddenly cut in, attempting to keep a fight from breaking out. "How's the business with Robert coming along?"_

_"Wonderful, thank you."_

_"Business?" Mother suddenly lost interest in everything else going on at the table._

_"Yes. Papa and I have gone into publishing together."_

_"That's… that's marvelous. Your father always wanted to."_

_"I've never seen him so excited about something before. And he seems to be enjoying all that London has to offer." Mother looked affronted as John carried on asking questions. Eventually she excused herself, her young man following behind._

_"Really, Edith!" Mary exclaimed quietly so that only the men sitting on either side of us could hear. "That was so cruel to mother."_

_"Cruel?" Never in my life did I imagine taking one parents' side over the other. But in that moment all I could think about was papa mooning over mother while she swanned around town with a man half her age. "He has been miserable for months while she's been doing God knows what with that teenager. All with no consideration for her husband or his feelings."_

_"Don't bother, Eeds." Matthew interrupted me. "We both know whose side your sister is on when it comes to an affair." I could've kissed Matthew._

_"This is neither the time nor the place, Matthew." Mary warned._

_"Worried about decorum? Certainly never stopped you before."_

_"I have marvelous decorum." She fired back, it was a stretch and apparently Matthew has been spending some time having this argument in his head._

_"Oh yes, you're the picture of proper etiquette. Tell me where does sneaking around with my best mate land on the spectrum of propriety? Or letting your sister date a man you know to be a married cad? Of course it never occurred to you to say something, that would've required giving thought to someone other than yourself." _

_With that Matthew left the table, followed by Mary who was determined not to let him have the final word. With four people gone Anthony and I were the only two left at our end of the table and I was suddenly aware of all eyes on me._

_"That's what you get when you've got more than one Crawley at the table." I shrugged. John and Anna laughed, letting everyone else know that it was okay to go back to their meal. The whole time I was vaguely aware of Anthony watching me._

_"I'm sorry, Edie." Anna apologized as she saw me to the door after dinner." I should've known better than to seat you all together."_

_"Always the optimist, Anna." _

_"MAMA!" We both turned to see one of the Bates daughters out of bed and standing at the top of the stairs in her pajamas. _

_"Duty calls. I'm sorry it wasn't a better night."_

_"That's all right. I've had worse."_

_"We both have." She laughed before heading upstairs. _

_I stood at the front door waiting for m taxi to arrive when I felt someone watching me. _

_"I can always tell when you're near." I muttered, pulling my jacket on._

_"Is that so?"_

_"Yes, I usually end up with the feeling that I'm being watched." _

_"I find myself incapable of looking away when you're in the room." _

_"Why do you say things like that when you're with my sister."_

_"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."_

_"I don't date men when they're with other women. Or did you not pick that up during dinner?"_

_"You and Michael Gregson are completely finished then?"_

_"Yes. I got to make a fool of myself twice in the bunny costume. So you needn't go out of your way to make me feel like some sort of pathetic idiot, I manage quite well on my own most of the time."_

_"I don't think your pathetic and you're clearly quite bright, though you have alarming taste in men and your public speaking skills leave something to be desired… that aside, I like you quite a lot, just as you are."_

_"Apart from the verbal diarrhea and being dressed by my mother and being the spinster of the trio?" _

_"Perhaps I was a bit forward in my judgment, you certainly aren't the only one to put their foot in their mouth… Perhaps we could… I could… I would like to get to know you…"_

_"Edith, dearest, would you like a ride home?" Matthew asked loudly appearing from one of the back rooms._

_"Yes please, my taxi seems to have gotten lost." I nodded, pulling Matthew's jacket from the hook and handing it to him. "Anthony… good to see you." _

_It was all I could think to say to him._

_"Why so quiet?" Matthew asked as he drove me back to my flat._

_"Anthony said he liked me." _

_"You're quite likable."_

_"He's dating Mary."_

_"He's being used by Mary, I don't think his heart is in it."_

_"How can you be so sure?"_

_"Because your sister and I weren't fighting in the other room."_

_"Good lord, you two have the most dysfunctional…"_

_"I know." He pulled to a stop at my curb and turned to face me. "Edith, you are a marvelous woman, were I not in a very bizarre dance with your sister I would be trying to snatch you up for myself."_

_"Liar."_

_"Yes, I like snarky brunettes. But I'm telling you the truth here; I know that you feel over looked a lot and you shouldn't be. You are worthy of someone's attention and I think that if you like Anthony then the two of you should pursue it."_

_"I wish she treated you better."_

_"It's a mutual mistreatment." He shrugged. _

_"Should really figure that out, you could make another woman ridiculously happy."_

_"I'd rather be miserable with Mary then happy with another woman." _

_"Strange man."_

_"I know it. Good night, Eeds."_

_"Night, dearest." _

_It's 2 am now. I can't stop thinking about Anthony Strallan. _


	8. June 11th

_June 11__th__, 2013_

_The first two books from Crawley Publishing will be written by Crawleys. The Forgotten Daughter by yours truly and Lost in Tradition by father. My head is spinning from either nerves or excitement, I'm unsure at the moment. This evening was the launch party, an evening meant to celebrate me (in part), truly staggering. I'm finding that my father and I are terribly similar, as his separation from mother has shown. Both quiet, both proud, both certain we're undeserving of love. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd find myself here. _

_"You look lovely, dear." Father told me as I helped the caterer arrange the bar._

_"Thank you." I smiled, fixing my skirt for the hundredth time. I had settled on a simple, dark blue dress. Fitted and a mite shorter than usual but quite respectable and rather fetching. _

_"Nervous?"_

_"Unbearably so."_

_"It will be fine."_

_"Yes… yes, of course."_

_That was the last chance we had to speak during the party. It seemed as though a sea of people flooded in at once. Sybil was sunshine as usual, her Irish chap in tow. I quite happily avoided Mary, thanks to Anthony's height the pair was easy to spot and evade. I still wasn't sure how to face him. _

_Three champagnes into the evening I became aware of the clinking of a glass. Staying put in the corner I had secluded myself in. I followed suit though, turning towards where father stood. _

_"I'd like to thank you all for coming out tonight to support this venture Edith and I have embarked on. Although I suspect many of you are here for the open bar. Regardless we appreciate the support. We've got two books coming off the presses quite soon. A marvelous fiction written by my daughter and a droll piece from yours truly."_

_There in lay the difference between father and myself. He could hide his shyness, surpass it when need be. I meanwhile was quite pleased to slink off to my office, where I could hide until the crowd dispersed. I left the lights off, pleased to stand at the window and look out at the lights of London._

_"You look beautiful this evening." Came a quiet voice from behind me._

_"You enjoyed sneaking up on me, Anthony."_

_"I do rather. Party seems to be going well."_

_"Yes."_

_"You have no interest in parties?"_

_"Just a low tolerance. And as I have another to attend tomorrow…"_

_"What's tomorrow's celebration?"_

_"My birthday."_

_"Many happy returns." _

_"Thank you."_

_"I don't suppose…"_

_"What is it?"_

_"Perhaps I could give you a kiss, as a gift?"_

_"You're very sure of your kissing abilities." I couldn't help but smile._

_"They rank rather high, with my ability to sneak up on unsuspecting redheads." _

_"I suppose a kiss would be a lovely birthday present. Certainly unique." _

_Anthony nodded, slowly closing the space between us. One arm wrapped around my waist while the other moved up my back to my shoulders. His kissing abilities should be documented… which is what I'm doing here I suppose. My knees buckled. They literally buckled, I had to hold onto him because I thought I might fall down. There was a passion to the man that didn't appear on the surface. _

_"Happy birthday, Edith." _

_"Happy birthday, Anthony… no wait. Sorry. Thank you… I mean." I honestly had no idea how any words were finding their way out of my mouth. "Kiss me again, please." _

_He had this almost roguish smile, which would have appeared suspicious on any other man but we quite dashing on him. He was about to kiss me again when we had company. _

_"Eeds? I thought I saw you skulk off this way…" Michael's voice seemed to be coming from another universe. I hadn't even realized he was at the party. _

_"Michael? What are you doing here?" I started to pull back from Anthony but neither of us were completely ready to let go. _

_"Richard passed his invitation off to me. Thought we could have a chat. Didn't realize you were busy… with Strallan of all people."_

_"Gregson." Anthony scowled._

_"I think you should go, Michael."_

_"I just wanted to have a quick word, Eeds. I wanted to apologize about… well about everything." I couldn't help but glance nervously between the two men. Michael's treatment had been reprehensible, but Anthony was dating Mary, he wasn't mine. _

_"Right. I'll just leave you to it then." Anthony seemed rather dejected but moved to the door just the same. _

_"Cheating on one sister with the other, sounds like the sort of behavior you've condemned others for." Michael quipped as Anthony passed him. The men stopped and glowered at each other for a moment before the latter carried on his way. _

_"Was that necessary?" I asked when we were alone._

_"Yes. Look, Edith I wanted to apologize for…"_

_"For lying about being married and leading me on for months then making me feel like an idiot for not knowing from the start what a cad you are?"_

_"More or less." He shrugged, trying to give me that dashing smile. Little did he know my immunity had grown in our time apart. "I've left her." _

_"That's too bad."_

_"Hi, sorry." Anthony suddenly appeared at the door again, looking rather determined. "I can't let that go unanswered, so if you would be so kind as to step outside."_

_"Should I bring my sword or my dueling pistols?" _

_"This has waited too long, so outside now or will I have to drag you?"_

_I can't quite describe what happened next, it seemed to happen in slow motion and high speed at the same time. Anthony and Michael stumbled out into the street outside, the whole of the party following them (except for Mary and Matthew, I'll give you one guess where they were). Anna and Sybil instantly appeared by my side, trying to ask what had led to this and which side we were on, I simply shrugged and hoped that the embarrassingly awful fight would end. They both seemed hesitant to get close enough to actually throw a punch and started kicking and awkwardly lunging at each other. The men from the party were shouting to just land a punch already. _

_Then it happened. _

_They stumbled into the decorative fountain at the park across the way. _

_"What are you going to do, Strallan? Drown me in ankle high water?"_

_"Yes." He answered after a moment of thought, lunging at him again. _

_Finally things seemed to wind down, both of them out of breath and climbing out of the fountain. Anthony had started to walk away when Gregson called:_

_"No wonder your clever wife went elsewhere." _

_It took less than a second for Anthony to close the space between them, his fist landed against Michael's face, hard enough that he went down. Anthony stood there, out of breath, soaking wet, and simply staring at me. But I couldn't ignore the fact that Michael was motionless on the pavement. _

_"Was that really necessary?" I asked, going to help Michael up. _

_"Apparently. Brought me back to my senses." _

_With that Anthony disappeared in the crowd that was moving back towards the party. Father moved towards where I was crouched next to Michael, trying to help him to his feet. _

_"Are you all right?" I asked._

_"Never thought the wanker would actually do it." He bristled, touching the small trace of blood that was journeying down his cheek. _

_"You provoked him." I pointed out._

_"Had to be said… Look, I'm sorry Edith. I want you back. If I can't make it work with you then I can't make it work with anyone." _

_I let go of him, taking a step back._

_"That's not a good enough offer for me." I said simply before walking away. Father was waiting for me, putting an arm around my shoulders and walking me back towards the offices. _

_"I'm proud of you, Edith."_

_"I feel like an idiot." _

_"Crawley curse, that. Hide in your office, I'll let you know when the coast is clear."_

_"Thanks, papa." I managed weakly as he led me to the side door. _

_When the party had cleared out father and I found ourselves sitting in the two leather chairs in the waiting room, each with a flute of champagne, surveying the damage. _

_"The cleaning ladies won't be pleased." I mused._

_"I told them they could take home the unopened case of champagne."_

_"What will we have for breakfast then?"_

_"I don't know." He laughed. It was so nice to hear my father laughing again. "My darling daughter, how are you feeling?"_

_"Sufficiently buzzed and officially one year older."_

_He glanced down at his watch then reached for the bottle to refill both of our glasses._

_"So you are, happy birthday, darling."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Now that Gregson is out of the way will you be pursuing Anthony?"_

_"What's the point?"_

_"He's fond of you, you're fond of him."_

_"Hardly. I can't imagine he's very fond of me after tonight."_

_"Well you can't blame the man after what Gregson did to him."_

_"You can't blame a man for delivering bad news."_

_"You can when the news he's delivering is that he's been sleeping with your wife."_

_"What?" I nearly dropped my glass._

_"Gregson was sleeping with Maude, got into a fight with Anthony and arranged it so that he walked in on the two of them together. Broke Anthony's heart. Didn't you know that?"_

_"No… I had no idea. Michael gave me an abridged version of the story." _

_"A new topic?" He suggested, noticing my mood. "What would you like for your birthday?"_

_"I already received the best gift I never would have asked for."_

_"What was…" The words fell silent and I suddenly realized he was staring at the door. There stood mother. _

_"Edith." She smiled briefly before looking back to father._

_"I'll just…" I stumbled, pointing towards my office. I could hear them, mama apologizing, trying to explain what a mistake it all had been, that she had missed him so desperately. Reconciliation was in sight and I suddenly decided to make another stupid decision. _

_Grabbing my bag and sweater, I hurried out of the office and through the streets of London until I found the street I was looking for. I knew where he lived of course, how could I not with the way Mary liked to boast. With no consideration for the time I rang the bell and waited. Ringing it again and again. When the door finally swung open I couldn't help but smile, an expression that quickly faded when I found myself face to face with an elderly housekeeper._

_"Oh. I'm so sorry… is this the Strallan residence?" I asked._

_"It is, but Sir Anthony has left for the country."_

_"Left? When?"_

_"Just a few hours ago, miss. He came home, changed, packed a bag and left." I nodded blankly and thanked the woman before returning to the street._

_I've royally fucked it all up. Without even trying. _

**_x-X-x_**

_A few lines of dialogue are taken from the movie in this chapter. _


End file.
